Welcome To My Thoughts!!!!

Hey everyone welcome to On The Chaise Lounge. This is my blog where I will be writing my thoughts on everyday life as I see it. They say the best therapy is writing down your thoughts and getting them out in the world so that is what I am going to do here, and its much cheaper than paying someone to hear my thoughts when I have tons of friends that can chime in and let me know what they think. This is going to be free flowing no real theme, just real random stuff from relationships, to sports, tv shows, the topics are endless. I want to welcome you again and hopefully through you, my followers, so I can get some understanding about the world and hopefully solve my issues.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Its been 4 Years.

Dear Kenneth S. Miles,

  
   Hey buddy just wanted to write you a little letter to let you know I was thinking about you today.  Not that a day doesn't go by that I don't think about you but today marks 4 years since you have been gone.  Time really does go by fast, I still remember the day you past.  We were in the kitchen, I came up from the basement, you was getting ready to go to the hospital.  You asked me what the hell I was doing up so early, and was I hung over.  hahaha.  Of course I said NO but thinking back if was coming up from the basement I probably was wasted the night before.   Life is funny though, because who knew 12 hours later I would be watching you take your final breathe.  There are few nights that I don't recall that day in my mind.  Most nights it wakes me up, don't think I have slept straight through a single night in 4 years.  I just see the way you looked at me with so much fear in your eyes asking for help and there was little I could do except yell for help.  I think about the how the hallway filled up with doctors and nurses running around like crazy as they tried to keep you with us.  The part that fucks me up most was when I hugged you that last time, you was so cold, tubes everywhere, blood on your chest, thinking about it now I don't think I should have seen you like that.  I can't shake that image out of mind and the thought that I watched my dad die.

   Dad I just hope that you proud of the man I am trying to become.  I am still a work in process though, but because of you I know what I want to be and what I don't want to be as well.  You and I are so much alike, and I think I am starting to pick up some of your OCD also.  My mother is doing well though, I know she thinks about you all the time as well.  She loved you with her whole being, you two were a perfect team, shit look what you created in me.  It goes beyond that, when you was down she had your back and, when she needed you, you was there to pick her up.  Every death my mom suffered you were there to hold her hand and support the family that is what I remember the most.  You had such a big heart and I like that we both share that, because like you if I can help someone I will and you taught me that.  On the hand I have your same self-centered attitude about things.  Sometimes I do things without thinking about how it will effect someone else because its what I want to do at that moment.  I got that from you because when you lied to me about cheating on my mom, you didn't think about what it would do to me.  To have someone that I  wanted to be just like since birth look you in the face an lie.  I will never forget that day because I knew the truth and you still lied.  On that day I can honestly say I hated you.  It really showed me not to put all my faith into anyone because they can let you down, then you compounded the bullshit by taking the chick with us to drop me off at college.  Who does that?  Man, you don't know how much that hurt, my heart had so much pain.  I really think if I didn't love and respect you I would have tried to fight you.  I think that was our darkest time.  I didn't let you know how I was feeling because in my eyes you was not going to change so I just decided to not be anything like you.  If you was going left I tried my hardest to go right.  When people would say you look just like your dad it made my blood boil but the more I tried to not be like you the more I became you.

   In these 4 years I have embraced being like you though.  I think its an honor to your child, I have been all that stuff behind me there was no need to hold it against you.  You were my best friend, worst critic, and my dad.  People have their ups and downs plus I saw the changes you had made in your life.  I am just sad that you was taken away before you could have really been the man you wanted to be.  You were finally standing on your own two feet, you had just bought your first home at age 50, was bring you distance family somewhat closer together, plans and ideas you had were coming together.  To me you had turned the corner as they say and I was so proud to have you as my father.  The only I can do now is try to carry on what you begin to do in your life in mine, not make some of the mistakes you did at my age. I just wish that we could have one more car ride where you would talk mostly, because you dominanted conversation, and I would listen.  Hear you talking about what I need to do, how Duke is better than Carolina, how I need to stop drinking so much with Cornell and the fellas, I needed to sit at home with my dad.   I wish I could have you ask me one more time.  You rest now, I will talk to you later.  Love You !!

                                     STEVE    

6 comments:

  1. he would be very proud of you!

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  2. Hey Steve - great blog. I can only imagine what it's like to miss your dad so much! I'm sure he's proud of you, you're a good guy!

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  3. Whew. I could hardly see because of the tears. That was the most touching thing I have read in a long time, Steve. I havent known you that long, didnt know your dad, but I am sure he is very proud of you. You are a good man, as you say, a work in progress, but you are, in deed, a good man. It radiates from your being. The way you strive to be better, the best, is admirable. You are truly unique. I wish you nothing but the best in your life because you are such an awesome person. *hugs*

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  4. So, I'm sure you already know I cried while reading this...don't judge me! But as I've told you so many times, I KNOW he is super proud of you and the man that you not only already are but the man you're destined to be and when people try to put you down just remember "He Saw The Best In Me" and know that's all that matters. You're already there...just put it into action. God has already given you everything you need to be the best that you can be.

    I didn't have the honor of meeting your father but I do know you and if he was anything like you then I would have loved him just as much as I love you. You are truly a great friend to me and I'm extremely blessed to have you in my life.

    Thanks for sharing such a special part of you with us.

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  5. PRICELESS...and I know he would be very very proud of you!

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  6. I think he'd be like, "damn boy why you being so soft. Man up kid!" But that's just me ha. He's proud and if it means anything I think you're doing alright too homie!

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